Those things you were so up in arms about yesterday? They don't matter.
That argument happening on FB? Not really worth it.
The project with a deadline? It can wait.
How, you may wonder? How can you not get caught up in the noise, in the hustle? When the world demands we attend every argument, achieve the next goal right now, and purchase the shiniest things all the while documenting it in pretty little squares? This is why. We don't have to attend because we are focused.
Our reality is that when pain and suffering entered the picture, we got this razor sharp focus. I talk and write a lot about how I am grateful for the perspective Jack's life has given us and when I do, I am really talking about focus. We know what matters and quite frankly, on many days, it is just taking the next breath. We know that this life is so fragile and short. We make the most of our sitution. We celebrate and enjoy the good times like no other.
But that doesn't mean this perspective is even remotely what I long for on a daily basis. No, I'd say I long for comfort. Sometimes I want to attend those silly arguments. Sometimes I want to care about something else or go back to a time when life wasn't so difficult. Especially on the hard days, when Jack is struggling through a migraine and all I'm thinking about is the next med dosage and wondering if this is actually a stroke or a seizure, I don't especially love this razor sharp focus.
Then I remember that focus and feeling strongly about the most important things has its benefits. Of course it hurts, perhaps even a majority of the time it hurts, but it can also feel incredibly good. Jack being discharged from the NICU comes to mind. Would I have been able to understand that almost euphoric, razor sharp joy of walking out those hospital doors and into my car without the back story? Without knowing intimately each and every step it took to get us to that point? Would it have felt the same? Of course not.
When you spend so much of your time in sharp focus, pain resides closely to joy. I spend many of my days feeling like joy is right over the horizon and even though I can't see it at the moment, I know it's coming. Most days, I'm living in hopeful expectation of joy. And when that joy does come, there is no need to focus on anything else.