Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Mom Goes to School: Missing My Boy

If I have learned anything about blogging, it's this - if I don't write about what is really going on, about the feelings and emotions and undercurrents of my day, then writing becomes just another thing to do. Another job. A meaningless task.

So, in total and complete honesty, I will tell you - I miss my boy so much. And I rethink this whole school thing each and every second I am down here in Utah.

There is a reason why upwards of sixty percent of women attempting a PhD in the social sciences quit. The juggling of it all, the hoops to jump through, the demand to prove worth, the competitive atmosphere. These are things beyond just pure intellectual pursuit. Add in a precious boy and husband in another state and I am stretched thin. Oh so thin.

Of course this is not revolutionary. When I first told my parents I was thinking of going to school, my mom in her wisdom immediately highlighted what would be the worst part for me - being away from Jack. She was not worried about him, but about me. And that is the undercurrent, the dull ache of every single day I am here. Missing my boy. Being away from him is about the most unnatural feeling to have to contend with on a daily basis.

It has not gotten easier with time. In fact, the opposite. I miss him now, more than ever. I miss his physical presence in my life. Winter has been so hard for the pure fact that I don't get to go home as much. I don't get the reprieve of being in my safe and comfortable space.

I know this sounds like complaining. I am well aware of how amazing this opportunity is. I count my blessings when I have incredible discussions with my classmates about the things I am passionate about. When I have light bulb moments. When I can help a student. When I can finally articulate something I have been ruminating about for years. Those things are priceless and I don't take them for granted. I'm also well aware that my boy is being well taken care of. He is flourishing. He is healthy.

My heart is just with him at all times and the distance is hard. It's OK to type that, right?

Two and a half months to go.
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A Polymer Penchant said...

Absolutely. just, absolutely.

Mary said...

You are amazing to be doing what you are doing. You woundn't be a good mommy if you didn't miss him so much! You can do it !!!