Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Has The NICU Made You More Fearful?

I've been thinking about this question so much lately. Just as I was feeling more emotionally stable and strong, I am equally more fearful. I fear death and things happening to my child. This juxtaposition is something no one is prepared for. I have more tools, wisdom, and experience at my disposal to deal with the unexpected and scary part of life, but still, I fear it like no other. I fear all the logical (and illogical) things that could happen to my boy. I know what it's like to have your life turned upside-down. I know what it feels like to watch your child struggle to survive. The touch and go of life. The life or death. It is horrific.

Trauma does things to a person, I'm told. Things like PTSD. I'm sure fear is the largest part of this.

The only thing I know is that I don't want my life ruled by fear. It is no way to live. Sure, that's an easy thing to say...but in practice?

Fear gets in the way. Fear is the annoying emotion always hanging out with you.

Of course the NICU made me more fearful. How could it not?


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6 comments:

Kelly said...

I do honestly feel that I am more fearful since our stay and experience at the NICU. I am concerned I am going to be very overprotective of the twins due to this. I do feel that there is a part of me that has PTSD related to this as every time I walk in that hospital, my heart skips a beat.

Anonymous said...

My daughter was seriously injured in an accident. I have those same feelings with watching those scary moments in the ER/ICU. Iwe were very fortunate everything turned out ok but I live everyday in fear of what may or could happen.

Anonymous said...

I'm right there with you! And now that I am pregnant with our 2nd, it is even worse!! I thought I had worked through a lot, but it is only magnified! At 14 weeks, I can't help but fear 10 weeks from now which is when our little guy was born.

Shanda Ranelle said...

I am going through the same thing right now. My little guy just turned 4 last Friday and I am surprised I still feel the way I do. In so many respects I am so much better emotionally than I was in his first 1-2 years of life. However, we were just thrown a curve-ball medically (although we won't know results of testing for 20 long weeks) and it put me back into a place of fear that I haven't experienced in a very long time. I feel like I am crazy or overly anxious sometimes. But it is so comforting to know that I am not the only one :)

Anonymous said...

Wow this really hit home. The fear that can sometimes come over me is very illogical. I'm sad to see I'm not the only one but also relieved I'm not crazy!

NewMom said...

I have been feeling this way so much lately. Pregnancy #2 I was ready for something horrible to happen the entire time. Something bad was happening, but we got to avoid the NICU this time (thanks to my wonderful Dr.) Now at home with both babies I am still nervous/afraid something "bad" will happen. A friend mailed me a bible verse about fear and said "trust replaces fear". Guess I need to work on trusting God then my fear will go away.