Thursday, January 23, 2014

Always Acceptance

I am never home long enough. I never have enough time for my boy, my husband, my family or my friends. I am never prepared for class enough. I am stuck in this continual never enough and it gets exhausting.

I know this is only for a time. The back and forth nature of where I spend my time. The continual change of space, of environment. I love adventure, but I crave normalcy.

When Jon picked me up at the airport last week, I told him that the first days of my second semester were the hardest yet. I just desperately miss my boy. It seems my longings for home, for my family, for familiarity are not waning as time has gone on. Sure, the transition to school and what is required of me is more well understood, but being away has not gotten easier.

Here is the point where I try to find some resolution, but really, there is no resolution, just learning to deal with the discomfort of being away. Only more acceptance. There is always that. A continual theme of my life. Something Jack always teaches me.

Jon picked me up at the airport and we then took the familiar roads home. The point on the journey where I take a big sigh of relief. This is my most favorite road, leading to my most favorite people.

Jon is incredibly busy at work. He worked pretty much the entire time I was home. The nature of his job is that things can come up very quickly that demand immediate attention. It is hard, this time away from my husband, but being in the same room with him is enough. He also managed to squeeze in a few minutes to grab me these beauties.

I adore the first moments of seeing Jack after being away. His look of pure joy. The snuggles. The must-be-close-at-all-times.

I love it when I am home on Fridays. This means I get to take Jack to school and chat with his teachers to see how he is doing. They always have great stories. After school got out we spent some time in the sunshine. I have no idea what is going on in this kid's mind, but I looked over at him and I swear he was dancing in the sun. He had his eyes closed and was doing these arm movements that looked pretty similar to Tai Chi. My child is awesome. 

I walked into the living room and OF COURSE I will take a picture of this.

Those who follow us on Instagram saw this totally awesome shirt I purchased for Jackpants. Coolest child ever.

When I am home I have an aversion to leaving the walls of our house. Can you blame me? My sweet friends came out to see me, which is a big deal because they have kids and I kind of live in the woods. As with life, things change, people move. I am so sad to say goodbye to my friend Lisa (the beauty in the middle). I consider her one of my kindred spirits. Lisa grew up in the same town I did, knew many of the same people I did, but we did not meet until adults in another Montana town. So very sad she is moving away, but looking forward to all our meet ups and planned adventures to come.

While I like to be inside our four walls when I go home, Jack craves the outdoors. We bundled him up for a cold walk at dusk. Everyone was much happier after a walk around the loop.

As with any doctoral student, the majority of my time is spent reading, analyzing, and reading some more. Although I love a good coffee shop read, I love this view even more.

As I learn to accept this year of back and forth, I cherish more our simple life in Montana. There is no place like home. For now, for the in between, and for while I'm away, I will have to settle for the wonders of technology.

I will take that face any way I can get it.
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Julie said...

I love this post. Bitter and the sweet. I remember getting to the point in the deployment where I felt like I was used to it, it was ok, but I still wasn't thrilled about being apart even though it was for a season. As I have said, I am so proud of you.

Julie K from KY said...

Hi Jessi, Jon and Jack. I just wanted to drop you a quick note to let you know what an inspiration your blog has been. I found you days after my son was born 10 weeks early in 2011. I was in a haze after delivery and the constant dread I felt when pulling myself away from the NICU. I have enjoyed watching Jack grow up right along with the miracle that is my son Logan. We are blessed. Every day in every way. Thank you.