Wednesday, March 13, 2013

No Greater Job

A completely put together, well dressed woman sat down at the table next to me at the coffee shop. Dark grey, impeccably tailored dress. Nude tights, black heals. Beautiful jewelry. Manicured red nails. Hair styled. She had two cell phones and her laptop open, ready for a meeting of some sort.

I used to be this woman.

Shift focus to me this morning. Black yoga pants. Stain on black yoga pants. Tennis shoes (that match Jack's!). Work out type jacket (although no exercising is happening today). Hair under a winter hat. Unpolished nails. I remembered lip gloss as I was flying out the door.

I'm feeling kind of... disheveled this morning.

The transition from working woman to mom was a really hard one for me, on top of the whole prematurity thing. (Some of you may relate to this, some not, and that's OK) I always knew I wanted to be a mom, but that dream was included in a litany of dreams about my life.

As my mind wanders to all those thoughts - thoughts of the what ifs, the what could have beens - I remember. And this one action - of shifting focus - this has been my single greatest coping mechanism through my entire journey as a micro preemie mom.

Today I paused when I saw that working woman, and I had a choice. Do I shift focus or choose to wallow? Many times, I wallow. I let that ache for what could have been set in deep. I think about my amazing, long ago plan to continue working once I gave birth to my full-term, healthy baby boy. My boy would go to work with me. I would be the baby-wearing-super-working-out-of-the-home-mom. I was the boss and I was going to have it all. It was a great plan in theory.

But when plans don't go the way we want them (large and small), I've learned that I need to hone in on my emotions and shift focus. I feel much better when I choose to remember that my son is the greatest blessing that has ever happened in my life. Just the fact that he is here, alive, is miraculous... and I don't use that word lightly. He brings me so much joy and purpose. He has taught me lessons that working in a high powered job could never teach. And he is pretty much the cutest thing ever.




 There is no greater job than being his mom.

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7 comments:

Tatum said...

I can relate. 100%. I especially notice when I'm picking up Kellen and people are dressed the way I used to dress. It's funny because Kyle and I had the same profession and met in grad school...I'm watching him and so many people I went to school with moving into these senior rolls and get a little jealous, but do you know what, most of the women are struggling with the work life balance part. I really struggled with it after Kellen was born too. Working 70-80+ hours a week and the prestige of what billion dollar business I was working on didn't seem so important anymore. So, keep in mind on the days that you do wallow (we all have to do that at times) that maybe she's looking at you and thinking you have the life she wants. I'm not meaning that to be a lecture at all - because really, I'm with you these days. Just some rambles because your post got me thinking.

Anonymous said...

I would gladly quit my job in an instant to stay home with our micro-preemie son daily. Unfortunately, my husband's job can't support the already frugal lifestyle we live. Know that some of us working women are very much jealous of you!

Jessi said...

Yes. Both of your comments remind me of the "grass is always greener" concept. It's always been hard for me to be content... just something I've struggled with in my life. And who knows, maybe the nicely dressed business woman isn't content either.

Anonymous said...

Amen!

Anonymous said...

I struggle with contentment as well! I'm with you Jessi.

Little Miss Moneybags said...

Thank you for this. I am home on six months' leave to care for our micropreemie, and I have to decide whether to go back at the end of it. I have a master's degree and I never wanted to be a stay at home mom, but I look at her health issues and I wonder how I could be so selfish. It's a hard decision, and although I think in my heart I have already made it, I keep putting it off officially.

amy said...

before we had #2, I quit work to be a full time mom. Sort of. I then went to work part time with someone who let me bring my bebes to the office - and I've been doing it for 14 years this month! Plus the other part time job, and I do that from home. I LOVE getting to be with the kids and even as teenagers - they still need me and like me being home. For me, it was an easy decision, but I've been able to keep that "other identity". I think it's human nature do always think and wonder and do the "what ifs"...I also think you deserve and high five on admitting you looked and thought....it's hard work being a mommy!!!!