Anger. I was desperately trying to find my way through.
It's such a normal response to a traumatic experience. I am not ashamed of it. My anger was part of the process. I took to blogging to deal with my wide range of emotions - hurt, anxiety, guilt, joy, and yeah, anger.
It's only now that I'm seeing just how angry I really was. And it's only because I've noticed a marked shift in my perception of others. Let me explain.
Nothing set me off as quickly as "the complainer" after Jack was born. I could feel my blood boil the minute I sensed it. How dare someone complain around me. About such petty things! About how annoyed they are with their children! About how their children are just driving them crazy! Do they not realize how good they have it? Their children are alive. They are healthy. Don't they see everything I am going through? Not an empathetic bone in their body, I tell ya! Such a pathetic, thoughtless person.
Seething anger, my friends.
But now when I hear and see "the complainer" my reaction is less blood boiling and more eye-rolling. Huge change for me, friends. I see it for what it is - they don't have the perspective that I do. I am more likely to laugh it off these days, in all honesty. I'm finally at a place where anger is not the first overriding emotion. I guess my coping skills have evolved. It only took 4 years.
I was wondering what produced this shift in myself. What changed?
My only answer - time.
The further and further away I get from our own traumatic experience, (as I come to acceptance, as I continue to grow and learn) the less anger I have. This isn't revolutionary. It's just something I've noticed. I let go of that old dream and have accepted a new one. It didn't happen overnight. Time didn't heal all our wounds, but it did give me the space to regroup. To come up with new dreams. To embrace this new reality. And to see the joy in this journey.
Now that quote might produce in you your very own eye-roll. I get it. It's a tad cheesy. But it's the truth. All it needs is a little disclaimer at the bottom that says "may take up to 4 years."