Tuesday, March 12, 2013

let go

There is a large part of this blog that I dedicated to my anger. Sometimes when I read back on old posts, I see it blatantly. And then there are the posts that are couched as "educational", but underneath it all, I see it.

Anger. I was desperately trying to find my way through.

It's such a normal response to a traumatic experience. I am not ashamed of it. My anger was part of the process. I took to blogging to deal with my wide range of emotions - hurt, anxiety, guilt, joy, and yeah, anger.

It's only now that I'm seeing just how angry I really was. And it's only because I've noticed a marked shift in my perception of others. Let me explain.

Nothing set me off as quickly as "the complainer" after Jack was born. I could feel my blood boil the minute I sensed it. How dare someone complain around me. About such petty things! About how annoyed they are with their children! About how their children are just driving them crazy! Do they not realize how good they have it? Their children are alive. They are healthy. Don't they see everything I am going through? Not an empathetic bone in their body, I tell ya! Such a pathetic, thoughtless person.

Seething anger, my friends.

But now when I hear and see "the complainer" my reaction is less blood boiling and more eye-rolling. Huge change for me, friends. I see it for what it is - they don't have the perspective that I do. I am more likely to laugh it off these days, in all honesty. I'm finally at a place where anger is not the first overriding emotion. I guess my coping skills have evolved. It only took 4 years.

I was wondering what produced this shift in myself. What changed?

My only answer - time.

The further and further away I get from our own traumatic experience, (as I come to acceptance, as I continue to grow and learn) the less anger I have. This isn't revolutionary. It's just something I've noticed. I let go of that old dream and have accepted a new one. It didn't happen overnight. Time didn't heal all our wounds, but it did give me the space to regroup. To come up with new dreams. To embrace this new reality.  And to see the joy in this journey.

Now that quote might produce in you your very own eye-roll. I get it. It's a tad cheesy. But it's the truth. All it needs is a little disclaimer at the bottom that says "may take up to 4 years." 

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Anonymous said...

So well said! Amazing how time can help us heal! As always, thank you for your honesty. So much of what you write completely hits home for me!

P said...

There is so much healing that has to take place. My son was born at 24 weeks and 5 days in October. He has been home for 7 weeks and is doing well but I am fully in the middle of the anger phase. Full on, dead center. I'm glad to know that it gets better. And that YOU are better! There was just so much trauma and so much healing needs to happen still for me.

Jessi said...

P - just remember that you are only months out from one of the hardest experiences of your life. Healing takes time (for me, YEARS). Be easy on yourself. Thanks for the comments. Love hearing from both of you.