Tuesday, August 14, 2012

it only took three years

Hello world,

It's me, Jessi.

Remember me?

You know, I'm that girl who can do anything she puts her mind to? The one that has a list of accomplishments a mile long? The one that can tackle complex projects, run organizations, and teach classes?

Remember me?

I'm the girl who has such strong faith. The one who doesn't question.

Remember me?

I'm the girl who sailed through college and graduate school. The one who found her man and started to build a dream. We were a team, together. We were going to do big things, my man and I.

I'm the one who had her whole life planned out.


May 15th, 2009 changed everything.

Jack changed everything. 

Who was I anymore? With the day in, day out of caring for a medically fragile child?

I was lost.

I didn't see a place for myself. I couldn't work and I lost that part of my identity. I was no longer Jessi with the glowing resume and accomplishments.

No, I was mommy to a one pound baby.

There was a time when I could only live day to day. I couldn't think beyond Jack's next appointment or procedure. I didn't have time to explore, read, breath, or take care of myself.

But something happened. Jack grew up. And his mommy grew up.

My perspective changed. My thought-processes changed.

I changed. 

I finally grasp what matters in life, and what doesn't. I'm that same girl, but I now know what it means to look death and disability in the face. I know the fragility of life and oh, how good we have it.

I'm back. It only took three years, but I'm back. I'm the same girl, but now, I am so much more.
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Angie said...

Oh Jessi! I love this! Now you are better than ever!

Shannon said...

Oh, Jessi - you have captured it - all of it right here in this beautifully written post! As we sit here in our PICU room one month after we were admitted, hours after completing our fourth surgery of this admission, I can truly appreciate all of these feelings with you. Thank you for this!

mouse said...

Jessi, you are an inspiration truly. We have just had a long admission ending with coming home tube-fed and I shall be taking strength from your journey that I have followed. Jack must be so proud x

Rachel Beer said...

I feel stuck living the day to day life with all my daughters appointments. Maybe it more like week to week but it's not the same. I'm glad you made it back to yourself, I know I will someday too.

Erin said...

Jessi - congratulations. How do you get there? As a mom of a 26 weeker (now 2 years adjusted in May) I still find myself wondering where I fit in now and worrying about the future. Any tips on how to change ones perspective and stop the cycle of anxiety and asking "why me?"

Jess said...

Spoken so well. I love this post!

Tatum said...

Sounds to me like you're that girl's woman. Really beautiful post, I relate completely, thank you.

Anonymous said...

So well put isn't it amazing getting to that point and being so much better and stronger because of the, circumstances we were thrown into.