Thursday, May 10, 2012

5 Days

It's five days til Jack's birthday.

Since having him, this time of year I always get a bit anxious, a bit uneasy. Yesterday I was leaving a friends house and I looked up and the hospital helicopter was taking off, flying right over my car. The same helicopter that I rode in three years ago. My heart sank.

Uneasy. Anxious.

At Jack's 3 year well-child checkup, the doctor noticed a mole on Jack's foot. He said it needs to be looked at. Normally, I would just file it away as another checkup that Jack will have. It would be scheduled and I wouldn't give it a second thought until we were on our way to the appointment. But, I've let my mind wander and have been thinking about it quite a bit since last week. Sometimes (if I'm being honest here), I let my mind go "there." To that place where worst case scenarios and all-things-horrible reside. To the place where I have no control over Jack's health, his life, our life.

I've even had a few nightmares and it had been such a long time since having one. Startled awake, heart pounding, feeling like I need to vomit. I think it just goes along with the territory surrounding Jack's birthday... when three years ago, the rug was pulled out from under me. I know how quickly things can change. How things can go downhill so very fast. I know that there are no guarantees in this life, but still, I am desperate for control over it.

I want to hold Jack and never let him go. I want to protect him. I want to protect myself. Bittersweet birthday mode is fully upon me and although the sharp pain has dulled over the past three years, I still feel it, under the surface.
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3 comments:

mouse said...

I think this sort of feeling is only natural after your experience, and letting yourself "go there" doesn't make you any less corageous or any less of a believer in Jack. I suspect that after looking the worst in the face in the past, it is very hard to actually close that door for good and all sorts of triggers will open it again. Be kind to yourself and share your worries with Jon and nice people.xx

amy said...

I hope that there is some comfort and peace coming your way! And no helicopters flying overhead!! Hang in there......

Amber said...

Oh, I totally understand these feelings!! I don't really think anyone can fully undertand until they have had a baby in the NICU. My son was born 10 weeks early and had multiple surgeries. He is now 2 and happy and healthy,but I still have those anxious feelings!