Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Thoughts On Insomnia and Baby Lotion

There's nothing more that this blogger loves than hearing from her readers. Thank you. Your response yesterday was so moving. Blogging is the cheapest form of therapy and this preemie community we have - where we can honestly say "yeah, I struggle  with that" - is the reason I continue to do this. To hear from you. To learn your story. I absolutely love it and cherish it. I consider it a privilege to make this journey with all of you.

There's something I haven't yet told you. It's nothing revolutionary or life-changing. But, it's the truth. I am completely and utterly exhausted. Can I get a witness?

I told a friend the other day that I haven't felt this tired since bringing Jack home from the NICU. Then I had to remind myself that back then, I was trying to pump, feed, and and repeat, every three hours. Yeah, I'm sure I was more exhausted then, but something about insomnia produces quite the memory lapse. Plus I was just so stinkin' happy and content to be home. I was walking around in pure insomniac bliss.

Jack's tired, too. He's been working on a molar for what seems like FOREVER. He wakes up multiple times a night. He kicks me all night. Oh. Did I not mention that we all still co-sleep? I know. I know. It's on the list of "things we need to do in the next little while"... or month... or year.  Get Jack in his totally awesome toddler bed. It's just that tube-fed kids are choking hazards. It only took me one time of finding Jack aspirating to make the decision that he would sleep right next to me until he grew out of the puking stage. Since he's no longer tube-fed, it's time and I need to stop making excuses. 

Hear that, Jessi? It's time.

Umm... I just need to get some rest and work up the energy.... then we will do it. 

Last night, I woke up around 3:30am. I guess that's morning to you folks on the east coast. Jack was tossing and turning, which made me toss and turn, which made Jack stay awake. Jack and mommy are light sleepers. I got him settled down and slooooooowly got out of bed. Cannot. Make. A. Peep. Hmm... what to do at 3:30? Nothing good on T.V., just infomercials (although I enjoy a good Pajama Jeans segment). I didn't feel like turning on the noise. I ended up surfing the web. I reminded myself that I just purchased this book and that I seriously need to get reading it. 

A few hours passed. I heard Jon's alarm go off. By that time, I was trying to take a quick cat nap before Jack woke up. Jon came out to the living room and with one look we both understood that we are teetering on sleep deprivation hell. We are on the cliff and bad, bad things are at the bottom. You know, nasty things like perpetual bad moods, depressing immune systems, and lots and lots of chocolate and popcorn for dinner (it's OK for awhile, but days on end... not good). Truth, people! Sleep is the highest priority right now in these parts. 

The one blessed occurrence out of all of this is I have a little cuddle bug. And I mean hours of cuddling. Today we are both still in our pjs and we've cuddled on the couch all morning, into mid-day. And I'm in heaven. Jack has suddenly become very aware that he can sit on my lap whenever he wants. He chooses to do it quite often, leaning his head back onto my chest, actually letting himself relax. I smell his hair a lot. It smells so good. Very "Jack" and very much like the baby lotion we use. We use Johnson's Bedtime Lotion. You know, the purple one. What kind do you use?  
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Julie said...

UGH...sleep deprivation is one of the toughest things for me. As my husband once told me, "When you are tired, it really affects your mood." He was probably being nice at that point. But here's a thought...since you're already sleep deprived, why not go for the transition now?? Who knows? Maybe it will be just what you all need. Or maybe it will be hell. If it is, I'll bring you coffee.

And, we use boring Cetaphil lotion due to my kids' sensitive skin. Would much rather use that purple bottle...smells SO GOOD!

Ashley said...

Ok, so we were totally sisters from another life. I do the exact same thing with Bea most days. She'll crawl into my lap and position herself on my chest just like she did in the NICU (only she's a lot bigger now!), I'll scratch her back and sniff her head (I think it's a preemie mom thing...)and we'll watch an hour of Ina Garten/Barefoot Contessa. Sigh... I hope you guys get sleep soon. I hate, more than anything, to be tired. It sets up a chain reaction for a crappy day!

Paige said...

The insomnia I will have from being a single mom to a special needs child and working a full time job and taking online classes hasn't yet hit me since we're still in the nicu, but...

I love the purple bedtime lotion. I love even more the baby magic lavender and chamomile bedtime lotion. It smells so good that the nurses use some from Connors bottle lol. Its very calming to me when im holding him and can smell it. Maybe it can help you too.

Jessi said...

@Paige -Yes, you are going to be exhausted and every word for tired. But (and you are probably totally feeling this!), nothing compares to having baby at HOME.

The lotion you describe sounds super yummy. I am going to have to do some sniffing through the baby asle.

@Ashley - please can you move here and be my friend? We could sit in our pjs and watch Ina (MY FAVORITE!).

Jessi said...

@Julie - your comment made me chuckle and get nervous at the same time.

Arianne said...

Now that I am a mommy, I'm learning that sleep deprivation is inevitable. AND IT SUCKS! I have always been a person who LOVES her sleep, and trying to survive on 4 hours of sleep at a time has changed me into a different person.

I was hoping that when Colin turned 4 months adjusted I would be able to get more sleep, but after reading your post, I guess it's going to be a LONG while before I get lot's of sleep. Either that or I'll have to go to a hotel by myself ALOT. :)

Becky Price said...

My son is 5 and still sleeps in our bed. When he gets in trouble we tell him to go to his room (he does have one of his very own) he immediatley goes to our room. I have a feeling Bella will be taking his place soon! We use the pink Johnson and Johnson. I too spend lots of time smelling Bella's head. I wanted to tell you how much your blog means to me. I check it daily. Right now I am struggling with mourning the loss of those last four months of pregnancy as well as having a complete hysterectomy. People look at me like I am crazy. I get the whole you should be happy she is home and doing well......I am happy but still struggling.....sorry to ramble....maybe it is the sleep deprivation :)

J and Y said...

Just found you blog and love it! I am the mom of twin 24 weekers. The boys are now two. I just told friends and family that I daydream about sleeping in just one morning :). One morning would last me years!

Paige said...

I would be more than happy to be sleep deprived and have him home. It's been 96 days and he still has a long way to go. Im already sleep deprived and im not working, started my classes, and he's not home yet. Ever since I spent 2 weeks in the hospital, I need no sleep haha. But if you like that johnsons purple lotion you'll love this baby magic stuff. (:

steph.g81 said...

I can understand sleep deprivation too. My son, Jack, is 14 months and wakes up about 6x a night. We co-sleep. I usually start the night off with him in his bed, and bring him in with me the first, maybe second time he wakes up. Getting out of bed so many times is just too tough! And we also use the Johnson's bedtime lotion. I do love snuggling with my little boy :)

Jackie said...

Oh sleep deprivation. It's something that's NORMAL at least! We still all sleep in the same bed. It doesn't start out that way, but by morning our spacious California king has been transposed into a not so spacious bed with 2 adults and 3 children, plus monitor cords, oxygen tubing, and a joey pump! We're taking the plunge today and moving Alli's baby bed in our room. We ALL need our sleep! Oh and we use Mustela! It's purely delicious and I could just eat my babies after they've made it passed Mama's lotion station!