Friday, July 1, 2011

How Great Thou Art

It's late. Way too late to be blogging. But here I am, still awake. I just started reading the book "I Will Carry You" and although I only finished the first two chapters, I decided to skip through the pages to look at all the pictures.

There were some of the author's children (all girls) and then came the pictures of their precious little Audrey who did not make it. Her mother chose to carry her, even though she didn't have a chance. In fact, she only lived two hours outside of the womb. I have purposefully waited two years since Jack's birth to read this book, because I wanted to be emotionally ready.

I got to the page where it shows the little baby coffin at her funeral and I just lost it. For a split second, and I am being totally honest here, I imagined Jack's little preemie body lying in the casket. And it felt too real. These morbid thoughts don't come too often these days, but for some reason tonight, I saw it. And the tears came.

While crying, the song "How Great Thou Art" suddenly came to mind. I know... this is starting to sound kind of cheesy and very random and it really seemed odd to me. Hymns don't usually come to mind, especially in the midst of bawling my eyes out. The lyric was "when I in awesome wonder, consider all the works Thy hands hath made... then sings my soul... how great Thou art... how great Thou art...

In an instant I knew.

A shift needs to take place. Am I spending enough time in wonder of the work God has done in Jack's
body... in Jack's life?

I blogged earlier this week about the feelings of guilt I often have being a preemie mama. I started to feel sheepish with all my positive writing as of late and I was concerned that I wasn't being sensitive enough to those whose outcome wasn't the same as ours.

But that guilt was misplaced.

Truthfully tonight, all I want to do is rejoice. Rejoice in all God has done in the miracle of Jack's life. Rejoice in the healing that has taken place in my own brokenness. Rejoice in Audrey's short life and her impact on millions. It's crazy what a couple of days have done to my perspective (and no small part to all of your encouraging comments). What I'm trying to say is that tonight I have a renewed sense of just celebrating. Of being in awe of what God has done.

My heart still aches for those precious babies who have passed... but I sense an even greater urgency to tell of Jack's life and his micro beginnings.

So it's midnight or even later. Probably Friday already. And my soul is still singing that famous old hymn, although this time, with a renewed sense of purpose.
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Lisa said...

I am always so encouraged in reading your blogs Jessie! I love how honest and real you are, and humble, and I think others appreciate that as well.

I think you are on the right track in finding the joy in the walk you are in, and being in awe of what God has done, and is doing, walking along with you.

I'd been thinking about your last post, and wanting to share that thought - we are each given our own journey, the path may not always make sense to us, or seem fair at times, but it is ours to take and embrace as fully as we can, to watch for, and be in awe of, those God prints that we see, and then humbly share that with others.

As a reader, and one who watches in the distance some, I see your blog as your way of honoring God for what He has done for Jack, sharing the hope that comes from Him alone with others, and encouraging others who are walking a similar path. It reaches the rest of us too - reminding me at least, to be thankful for all things and to take the time to enjoy it - all of it.

Keep up the good work, friend!

Sarah Pope said...

Jessi, I haven't had time to comment recently, but I've read all of your recent posts. I'm so glad to read this one in particular. Jack is such a miracle, and you should never ever feel guilty that he is doing so amazing. Your sweet family has touched my heart more than you could possibly know.
I understand the questions you ask about why Jack survived and others didn't. There is a lot God does that I don't pretend to understand (but I guess that's why I'm not God huh?)
Whatever His reasons, I'm glad God chose to save Jack...and I'm glad He chose you to be Jack's mom. You're a pretty awesome pair. :)

Julie said...

What a beautiful post, Jessi. Your heart is beautiful...thank you for sharing it with us.

Rebekah said...

Thank you for sharing such a beautiful "Jesus Moment." I love when He holds our tender hearts and speaks to us gently. You are such an incredible woman.

Lindsay said...

Aww, I love everything about this post. :)