Monday, March 14, 2011

Day 18

Day 18: A picture of your biggest insecurity

I understand this is a picture CHALLENGE, but oh boy, I really don't want to be blogging about my biggest insecurity for the world (or 20 people) to see. And who even has a picture of something that is an insecurity or a "feeling"? Hence the picture of my youthful self. Anyway...

I've been holding off on this one, because as many times as I thought through what I would type, it always sounded a bit contrite or like back-handed bragging (if that makes sense). Kind of like when you are in a job interview and they ask what your weaknesses are. Barf.

But here goes.

Sure, I have some insecurities that ebb and flow. Like the normal "I don't like how I look" insecurities or "will they like me?" insecurities. I feel that as I've grown older, these are more or less non-issues.

I've never felt lacking in my abilities. I've worked hard and know my strengths. I get a little jealous when I meet someone that knows more than I do and is doing amazing things with their life. I crave intelligent conversations. I want to learn. I want to make a difference. But I sure struggle with my lack of accomplishments, or I should say, my lack of accomplishments recently.

I know, I know... hear me out.

I am coming up on my 29th birthday. I feel like I am getting old and lagging behind my peers when it comes to my profession. I feel like I should have my Ph.D. by now or should be advancing up the ranks in a work environment, working on wide-scale problems with talented co-horts. When someone asks me what I do for a living, I cringe inside, because as much as I love Jack, I feel like I am being sized up. I can instantly tell by the questions one asks, what they think about me. No longer am I a source of intelligent conversation, but rather a source to know what the other young mothers are doing these days to keep busy. Puhleeez.  There are so many different sorts of wrong with this, but it's true.

Please don't feel any pity with this post. It's my own personal demons that I'm working through. I have respect for stay at home moms AND in the workplace moms. I don't think that either are a superior choice. Both are demanding and take skill. But I put a lot of pressure on myself. I have goals that I want to reach. I feel insecure around others who have already reached them. It's just an insecurity.

So there you go. The picture challenge asked and I answered honestly. Wouldn't it have been much better to chat about insecurities together, over this?

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Carmen Reynolds said...

Hi! I found your blog on a preemie parent support site. I am the mother of a 27 weeker who is now 14 months old (11 months adjusted). I had pre-eclampsia that was progressing into HELLP. Still trying to regulate the blood pressure even now (ugh!).

My little guy (Gabriel) stayed in NICU for almost 5 months and had feeding issues (reflux, aspiration, secondary aspiration, Nissen, G-tube, thickened feeds, etc). I stay home with him now and he is progressing.

I share your sense of isolation in regards to it being cold, flu, and RSV season. Gabriel is such an extrovert and he's tired of just me. I can't wait for April!!

Just wanted to remind you that with everything our children have been through, we are "experts" in this area of medicine. We are doctor, nurse, physical therapist, occupational therapist, developmental therapist, nutritionist, etc, etc, etc. We have to be to understand the medical conditions and in order to advocate for our children.

When you do decide to get the formal PhD, it'll be a breeze compared with your and Jack's fight to live.

Thanks for your comments and insights. You have blessed another preemie mom with your wit and candor.

Carmen Reynolds

Julie said...

I want to sit down with you and drink that. :) We didn't even get into this during our dinner the other night (bet we could have talked for another three hours if we didn't have other plans).

You hit the nail on the head when people ask what you do...I usually answer "I'm a speech therapist but right now I stay home with my kids" because like you said, if you say you are a SAHM, all of a sudden you're talking about cute things your (or their cousin's) kids did. Which is fun...there's a place for that. But that intelligent part is written off and the nurturing part is underlined.

I'll never do my PhD because I don't like research but I am going to write some books, and do more speech therapy, and continuing ed, and form my Big Idea. :) And here's to 30 and glasses of champagne at big birthday parties!! :)

Jessi said...

Hi Carmen and welcome!

Babs said...

Ah, the "what do you do" question. Barf. I used to care, but I am so ridiculously happy that I don't care anymore.

I'm excited for your and Julie's BIG ideas...

Emily Real said...

My favorite part of this entry was the Puhleeez!! I agree, the question can be a sizing up, but it's only uncovering their insecurity. And yes please, I do want to talk about insecurities over a foam-covered cup of delicious. Soon!

Kathy, Jeff & Ellie said...

Dear Jessi,
Why do careers or professional job titles have to define us? Here is what you you are to Jack: his hero, comforter, teacher, giggle-maker, smoocher, story-reader, unconditional lover, boo-boo kisser, light of his life, and his EVERYTHING! You are more than a job title to your husband, family, friends, blog-readers, and anyone who meets you. You have the most important job, that of raising a God-loving, compassionate, happy, healthy young man (that will love his mother). You have taken on a tougher career than you have ever had. Look into Jack’s beautiful eyes and breathe… You are amazing.
- Kathy Linton