Thursday, December 17, 2009

One of those weeks...

It's just been one of those weeks where I feel like I'm in a funk. No other way to explain it. I was just feeling a little off (starting last weekend) and then I think it really started when Jon and I watched a documentary called "Including Samuel". It's about disabilities and advocating inclusion of student's with special needs in the classroom. Samuel has Cerebral Palsy... what Jack is at such high risk for. I cried through the whole documentary because it scares me to death... thinking about Jack being in a wheelchair and everything that goes with the diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy is almost too much to handle sometimes.

It is often hard to describe these feelings in words or when a friend asks me how I am doing... if you have no frame of reference for having a child with huge medical problems, it is just hard to describe. I have become calloused to normal childhood inconveniences too, which is not good! I find myself getting annoyed when I hear other moms complain about something their kid is going through. I think "oh geez... try living in our shoes for a while!" I know in my heart that this is not the right attitude, but it is truly what comes to mind. I think the post traumatic stress of what we went through this summer is still ripe (no matter what brave face we put on), and I have yet to work through all of the issues associated with that. And to top that all off, Jack still has major problems we are dealing with on a daily basis - refusing to eat, being constantly scared of shunt malfunctions, therapy and Dr. appointments, growth, and desperately not wanting him to get sick this flu season. Yuck yuck yuck yuck!

My poor husband has to deal with all this too, and that is no fun for him. He is dealing with his own stuff just like I am, on top of going to work day in and day out. But he seems so much stronger. He has been my rock, when others couldn't possibly understand. I thank God that he is in my life and that we are experiencing this journey together. I couldn't do it without Jon.

Anyway, I guess this can go down as a really depressing blog entry. Whatever. It is what I am feeling and I an only human. And I guess it's just one of those weeks.

(p.s. I'm thinking next week will be much better...)
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Julie said...

I love your new profile pic, by the way.

Sorry it's been one of those weeks. They come and go. Thanks for being transparent on the blog. I think a huge part of healing and continuing to live life is honesty with one's self, something I am still working on (as I've been in denial about my true feelings about our move for months). :)

No trite sayings from me. I'll just tell you: love ya!

Kim Pace said...

We have a friend who goes through stuff like this too. Their son was born blind and with a lot of different glandular problems and stuff. He is 3, well, he might be 4 now, and he doesn't walk, doesn't really talk a lot, or at all (I haven't seen them since we moved). He is in a back brace and just has medical issues at times. But he is such a sweetie! I watch what they go through and there's no way I can relate to them or to you. But I'm really glad that both of you are Christians and have the Lord to help you through (and wonderful husbands! It is easier to go through something with someone else there). I'll keep praying for Jack!

Blalock said...

Aww dear Jessie! I will pray for you. It's good to acknowledge these emotions and even better to share and be honest about them so that we can support you. You will continue to face these same emotions for a long time to come. But that's where we can pray you through them. Jack is such a miracle. He's hear for a reason and God has a wonderful plan for him and for YOU. Love you!

Lindsay said...

You're right... no one knows unless they've been through it themselves. Don't feel like you have to "keep it all together." Feel free to melt and break down from time to time... especially to your closest family and friends, and, of course, God. :) I'm sure it's a heavy weight to bear. Love you!

Barbara said...

Don't feel bad for feeling bad. Sometimes you just have to go with it. Pema Chodron would say, "lean into the sharp points". Cause that is what life is.

A little more Pema for you:
"We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy. Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important of all."